Talking to Myself

Clearing Space and Nervous System Reset

As I sit here squeezing the last drop out of the end of a kid free week, I am both wanting to check “writing a substack” off of my over-ambitious To-Do List and also wanting to put into words ALL that I am feeling while also holding myself accountable to remember all of these things when the wave of chaos comes crashing down tomorrow.

Yes I have been given the gift of a kid-free week. Every time I say it, it doesn’t sound real. The idea of having a week to myself, ESPECIALLY at my house, seemed something like a myth. I honestly believe that subconsciously I needed it so badly that I manifested it. My husband gave me this gift. One of the good things to come out of the Strike is that he was able to spend more time with his family while I, in a crazy turn of events, needed to get back for work. So, he offered to take both kids. An offer I’m not sure I would have made, especially with it entailing a flight ACROSS country alone with both kids and only 2 seats! Nope. Writing this only reiterates that I would have never offered. This was a big deal. A big gesture that, not only was such a gift for me, but also for him and the kids to have that time without me with him and with his family. It is a gift I truly needed. We truly needed.

I’m crying as I type this because of just HOW badly I needed this. I needed a full nervous system reset. Something I have needed for the almost 5 years I have been a Mom. When you get 2 or 3 days away, it is never enough to truly “unplug.” Honestly, it took me 3 days to shake off the sense of urgency or like I needed to have something done/be somewhere. The first day I even drove to their preschool on autopilot! I felt compelled to be home every day at 5 even though I had no reason to be! In fact one of the acts of rebellion and feeling free was simply having no concept of “time” in the evening and eating later than I usually would - though let’s face it I think I just prefer eating early/going to bed early now!

Before the week I had ALL these fantasies and aspirations of what this week would look like and made a HUGE list of ALL I would get done! One of the main reasons that I think I manifested this week is that I have been having the deep yearning to clear space in all aspects of my life, but feel like mainly first, physically IN MY HOUSE. One of the reasons I can’t be fully present as a Mother - and even creatively - is thinking of all the clutter and chaos in the house that I need to deal with and yet NEVER having a moment to do it. Even when the kids are at school, there is never enough time. My main goal this week was to reorganize the kids’ rooms and kitchen etc. I thought that would only take some of the time - in my mind the thought of having no kids opened up a realm of ENDLESS time and possibilities. That I could do that, see all my clients and also have time to meditate and journal every day, get long workouts in, see friends, finish my movie, take Cricket on long hikes and adventures to the beach, WRITE A SUBSTACK, edit some videos I made, revamp the whole house, purge all my clothes, read some books, see some movies, have dinners alone at the bar… It has been a very emotional summer; I turned 40, went on a vacation with my family, went back to where I went to college for the first time in 10 years and visited some old friends I hadn’t seen since then, feel like I’m entering a semi- midlife crisis, but also it feels really good… Just A LOT of big internal emotions and I thought THIS would be the week I would work through them, get clarity and use it ALL to write the MOST brilliant thing anyone has ever seen!

The reality was - in true Heather fashion - I set my ambitions too high - obvi- and bit off more than I could chew. Instead of the long, languishing, relaxing, inspired days I imagined, the days seemed to go by even quicker and I found myself exhausting myself even more than I would have if the kids were here. One day I took on the challenge of putting together a shelf for Ren that there was NO possibility of doing alone and spending 7 hours straight on it without even stopping to take a sip of water! Just one example! I did, however, find the beauty in getting to focus on a task and to lose track of time, which I never have the “luxury” to do anymore without feeling “late” for something. I realized though, in killing myself doing these tasks I felt DETERMINED to get done, what drove me so desperately is that I will able to be more present and focused and “relax” with the kids because the “clutter” won’t be hanging over my head and we will be in a more organized space. I also realized that all of the excess energy I wasn’t putting towards the kids needed to be put towards something. When I’m with the kids and have a free moment, I crave doing a meditation or doing some writing or something I enjoy because I need that reset and down time. I don’t want to exhaust myself doing house work and organizing. Whereas when I am not exhausting myself with the kids, I can put that energy into those more labor intensive tasks.

Yes I killed myself and yes I underestimated how long things actually take and learned that I will always exhaust myself and focus on a goal no matter what the situation. And no, I did not meditate as much as I wanted to or journal or write the next great show like I thought I would but I DID get to have some very special time. One of the amazing gifts before my full solo time began was having my Mom here and getting to celebrate her Birthday with her. It is rare to have long periods of time together without the kids and we really needed it. We went to the Academy Museum and she helped me organize and buy a new washing machine I needed and all the things you want to have your Mom around for. I needed to be just the kid for a minute.

I also saw clients, worked on my movie, met friends for dinner, got solo drinks at the bar, had solo piano singer/songwriter concerts for Cricket, went to see Barbie again, ran errands without it being a race, lost track of time, didn’t use the dishwasher or cook a meal, prepped for a hurricane and dealt with my anxiety in doing so and during an earthquake!, went to therapy, danced around my house, ate the food I wanted, watched the shows I wanted, listened to the music I wanted, spent time with Cricky, made almond milk, got rid of SO much STUFF… Main thing that struck me was HOW full and busy and satisfied I felt just being alone. I had a big realization that I barely looked at social media, my screen time was almost non-existent. Though I did see a couple friends and thought I would be lonely and want to be constantly going to see people, I felt this real need and pull to just be alone. That obviously doesn’t sound surprising and I’m sure most of you parents are like - UM, YEAH THE DREAM! But for a long time, for me to be alone in my brain for an extended period of time didn’t necessarily sound comforting to me. It sounded like compulsive thoughts, constant need to exercise and feeling scared and ill at ease, especially alone in my house. I realized HOW far I’ve come in the work I’ve done and ALSO just how far I’ve grown as a person and woman. Now my mind and being with myself is the safest place to be. And that is the FOUNDATION of being able to be a good mother or a good wife or good daughter or good friend. I shouldn’t say “good,” but present I suppose or mindful.

THIS was what I needed. To get back to my essence. To ME. Not in theory, but physically. I have been in a stress cycle since the day Ren was born and it has only escalated from there and I needed to break that cycle. For me, for my kids, for my husband. My stress is often caused by the anticipation, the feeling I can’t get off the train. I needed to get off the train for a sec. I needed to clear space. I needed to miss my kids and husband in a way I’ve never experienced. Instead of yearning to wake up alone without obligation, I needed to yearn to wake up to my family and my children calling my name - which again I am writing this to hold myself accountable and know I’ll be singing a different tune in a week or so! I needed to get off the dinner/bath/bed schedule for long enough to be excited for it. It is easy to be grateful and know how lucky we are, but I needed to get still so that I can fully live that every day for my family.

I remember for the first months of Ren’s life when I was still experiencing some postpartum, I would never feel relaxed in my own home. My anxiety was so high and everything felt so foreign to me and I yearned and mourned for that feeling of fully relaxing and being “home.” And now that’s exactly how I feel about my babies coming back to me. I’m in my home yearning for it to BE “home.”

I might not have fully dealt with all the big emotions and transitions happening in my life. But I’ve cleared the space and gotten to a place where I can actually look at them as fully Heather.

And now, I’m going to send this. I’m sure it has a lot of grammatical errors and run-ons, but I

need to check it off the list!